Adoption has a way of "ruffling the feathers" as it involves many individuals with varying perspectives. How do we keep our feathers intact and unplucked?

When a group of individuals with diverse opinions attempts to reach a consensus, it does not always do good to get them together to talk about things that they do not agree on. Sometimes dialogue serves to inflame the matter and intensify aggravation instead of helping to solve the problem. Sometimes frustrations are fueled when people talk with the expectation of being heard but instead, are ignored.

The field of adoption is comprised of many individuals with diverse perspectives. In coming together to discuss relevant issues, the purpose is not necessarily for all those present to agree, but to share ideas and gain a better understanding and awareness of what each of us truly believes in - and then be faithful to those beliefs.

One approach might be to ask yourself: What have you figured out so far? What do you have to share that might be helpful in approaching these issues? How do you bring these ideas to life?
There are four basic ideas worth embodying:

(1) Speak with candor.

(2) Openness.

(3) Adoption is inherently messy and it is okay to feel ambivalent about it.

(4) Adoption, at its best, is about connection, not disconnection; is about bringing people together, not separating them; and is about finding similarities, not accentuating the differences.

(1) Candor:

Candor is a combination of honesty and kindness. It is difficult to carry out, even when we've practiced it and have resolved to bring it out. We must be the truth-tellers in the bleakness of situations and be very careful with the words we use, making sure they are accurate and lively and do not contain biases in them. Positive adoption language may accurately convey the feeling of a positive adoption experience, but should we "describe horrendous adoption situations in (the same) positive language?" Or should we speak as accurately as we can and let the chips fall where they may? Candor requires us to acknowledge losses. Justice Wendell Holmes stated, "I would not give you a nickel for simplicity this side of complexity, but for simplicity the other side of complexity, I would give my life." Adapting the quote to reflect the adoption experience, "I would not give you a nickel for the joy of adoption this side of the pain, but for the joy on the other side of the pain, there is no price."

(2) Openness:

Openness means that the last word is not in. Prejudice is the opposite of openness and is the essence of closed-mindedness. Openness requires a genuine willingness to consider new possibilities. It requires a lot of listening and challenges our rigidity about openness itself. It is the most pleasing theme to embody, but can feel passive. Openness is better in an active form, requiring humility, courage and curiosity.

(3) Ambivalence:

Adoption is ambiguous territory which leads to feeling ambivalent. One can be both attracted and repulsed by the drama of adoption which may include treachery and nobility, selfishness and generosity. "The homeliness and handsomeness of adoption do not merge into some benign middle ground. They do not cancel each other. The awfulness of adoption riles . . . and so does its beauty." These twin truths are inextricably linked together as "either standing alone will fail to convey the wholeness of adoption." It is necessary for service providers to understand this ambivalence in order to assist families in understanding theirs.

(4) Connectedness and Imperfection:

"The best practices in adoption produce significant connections between people. It is hard to imagine that we would try to make things better for kids by shrinking their worlds." The best way to embody this connectedness is to be "gloriously imperfect." Adoption has created painful gaps between groups of people by accentuating their supposed differences, particularly in the idea that birthparents and adoptive parents are extremely different and reside on opposite sides of the fence. Past practices of matching a child with an adoptive family similar to the birth family had little effect on the premise that the two families were very different kinds of people. It took a long time to realize that the similarities which caused an adoptive family to be considered a good match for a child were the same qualities which classified the adoptive family as similar to the birth family. We connect through a shared sense of imperfection. When one party is perceived as perfect, there is no common ground. "The only form of adoption that can be healthy is one that recognizes that we are all in it together."

When individuals have opposing views and talking intensifies existing conflicts, it is necessary to listen to and respect the opinions of others and realize and change what we are doing to contribute to the problem.

What conclusion might we draw from a perspective that includes candor, openness, ambivalence, and imperfection? In order to resolve the complex issues that the field of adoption faces today, we need faith -- faith in our ideas and the power of those ideas. If we can embody them, while at the same time respect others and be mindful of our shortcomings, then we can move forward and give children the best that we have to offer.